The Little Red Pantie Brigade
by TheDirectorH
Summary: Because she deserved the respect of her teammates. Even if she had to parade around in tiny red lingerie to get it. Female empowerment, the Konoha Kunoichi Association, and the story of how a pair of bright red lacy undies changed Konoha forever. "It means so much to me that whenever I need to go out, get trashed, and talk bad about people, you're always there for me."
1. Prologue

**A/N: ERMAGERD. I have WRITTEN something. Doth your eyes deceive you? Nay! Perhaps it will turn into something worthwhile. Mistakes be abound, my fellow readers. This fiction hath not been beta'd or reread! *le gasp* But fear not, for I have 1/4 of a plot formed! Let us hope it will save us all! Kay, I'm done now and I can hear the Wonder Twins raining destruction down in my kitchen and Cheshire Cat is screaming, so I have to go now. Farewell, sweet readers!-The Director**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it. I don't even own the plot, but that's mostly because there really isn't one yet. Thoughts?**

* * *

_**Summary: **__Because she deserved the respect of her teammates, goddamnit. Even if she had to parade around in tiny red lingerie to get it. Female empowerment, the Konoha Kunoichi Association, and the story of how a pair of bright red lacy undies changed Konoha forever. "It means so much to me that whenever I need to go out, get trashed, and talk bad about people, you're always there for me."_

* * *

She was breaking bones today.

Not in the desperate high of battle, but in the hospital. Her shiny new (new!) hospital.

She had to break a little boy's leg to reset it, to let it mend the _right_ way. How they let him avoid the hospital long enough for it to set wrong was a mystery to her, but thus were the ways of children.

He sat in the hospital bed, covered in scratchy blankets and dwarfed by the surrounding machinery, lips quivering and shoulders set. He looked scared and small beneath the few layers of protection the hospital blankets could offer, but his little shoulders were set and his chin was up. He was definitely a little fighter.

She smiled.

_Such a brave boy_.

With his soft grey eyes and his dark brown fringe no doubt getting in the way of his vision, he looked nothing like her asshole of a teammate. But it was in the way his eyes stared steadily into her own, daring her to call him out on his fear that made her heart twinge in an all too familiar way.

"He says it's good practice. That shinobi don't have time for anesthetic in field. I think he's been reading his father's journals when I'm not home."

Sakura nodded in understanding at the young mother in front of her. She didn't bother letting the other woman know how ridiculous that sounded because being stranded in the field with your organs falling out of your body was _so_ much worse than breaking a bone.

Sakura firmly grasped the small developing calve in her hand and breathed in slowly, channeling her Medic Mode.

"One."

…_out_…

"Two."

…_in_…

"Three."

…_out_…

**_000_**

Head Nurse Misaki been hovering around the nurse's station after being paged about the awful screaming coming from room 305 ten minutes ago. She had been at her job long enough to have permanent frown lines and an even worse tolerance for idiocy. As the small pink haired doctor left the room and rounded the corner Misaki managed to work herself up to a full Disapproving Loom.

"That was irresponsible."

Sakura shrugged, reaching around the taller woman to grab the next chart. "It's what he wanted."

After all, Haruno Sakura lived to please.

No sarcasm there or anything. Nope. She just _loved _rat bastard council members sneaking bumbling, ignorant spies into her hospital so they can tell her what _she, _the best medic in Konoha and head of the hospital, was doing wrong.

Yeah.

_Loved it_.

**_000_**

One tracheotomy and one kidney transplant later, Sakura found herself scowling at the bottom of her empty coffee cup. What was the point of caffeine if it _kept running out?_

She meandered her way to the fifth floor staff room (fourth floor coffee sucked) in daze of exhaustion-induced zombie-like behavior. She certainly looked the part, her once-white coat splattered with blood, her eyelids drooping, shoulders hunched, and deep purple circles around glazed emerald eyes. Sakura saw her reflection in a window and tried not to despair over the poor state of her matted hair-no doubt somebody's bodily fluids, though she couldn't say _what _or _who's_, exactly.

_Yeah_, she thought with the nonsensical humor that usually came with a half-hour nap in between two 30 hour shifts. _Definitely a zombie. All I need is to adopt cannibalism and I'm set. _

Unfortunately she worked in the hospital and therefor knew how unsanitary her peers were. Sakura wouldn't put her mouth anywhere near that mess.

As she reached for the coffee pot, her ready hands found nothing but air. Scowling, she turned on the man behind her holding her _life-blood_, the only thing that made her job _bearable_, high over her head.

"Give it back."

"Now, now, Sakura-chan. Don't you think it's time to stop hiding?" He smiled that damned stupid smile that made his crows feet crinkle obnoxiously.

Sakura snarled. "I am _not_ hiding. I am doing my job. Give. It. Back. Kakashi." Sakura made to jump for it, but he used his free hand to keep her where she was and moved the coffee pot further out of her reach.

_Nice try, midget. He's like an entire foot taller than you._

Ah, the ever comforting words of Inner Sakura.

Relenting (and sending a silent _shut up_ to her Inner), Sakura stepped back against the counter, her hands clenching the brand-_freaking_-new tabletop so hard Kakashi thought it might crumble away beneath her. As far as Sakura was concerned it was either him or the counter, and she didn't think the Hokage would let her get off without a lot more paper work if she strangled her sensei to death and ruined a perfectly perfect just-installed counter.

"You are _to_ hiding. Don't you think it's a little silly to hide from your own teammates?" Kakashi said, giving her The Look. The one that said "_come now, foolish children. I know exactly what you're thinking and where you want to put that sharp, pointy object, but I alas, I am the Great Hatake Kakashi and you are less than nothing compared to me." _She hated that look. It haunted her from her genin days well into her chunin career until she was able to use her jounin status as a shield.

"Why on earth do you think I would hide from my own teammates? Certainly not because of their talent for very publicly embarrassing me in every single social opportunity they can manage."

Kakashi ignored her sarcasm and patted her head placating. "You know that's not true. We value you very much Sakura-chan, and we would never intentionally hurt your reputation intentionally."

Sakura snorted and mimicked him internally. "_We value you very much Sakura-chan." _Yeah, right. This coming from the man who helped Naruto and Sasuke with the White Day Pantie Debacle of '83. She got retaliation when she'd replaced all of the cash in Naruto's wallet with glow in the dark super ribbed condoms when he took the Hyuuga cousins out to lunch. Sakura could hear Naruto's screams all the way in her office when Neji finally caught up to him. While she had no proof that Sasuke had helped with the pantie streamer (of course), his non-stop smirk fest for days after didn't help convince her otherwise. The fact that he had somehow ingested a small enough amount of poison to give him three days of stomach upset had absolutely nothing to do with Sakura and her brand new lab equipment.

"Stop trying to antagonize me and tell me what you want."

Kakashi pouted.

"Nothing, Sakura-chan. Just your lovely, radiant presence is enough for me. Won't you grant an old man what might be one last favor?"

"You're as close to dying as Naruto is when he gets back from his mission. Which is to say _very_, unless you get out of my hospital." Sakura cracked her knuckles in a threatening manner, trying to convey her seriousness to her increasingly _un_-serious sensie.

"I'm sure he didn't mean to send those naked sketches to the Kazekage."

"He commissioned Sai to draw them!"

"And they were very flattering, weren't they?"

Kakashi tried very, very hard not to notice the chunk of plaster that his student had ripped out of cabinetry.

Perhaps he should rethink his hobby of pestering his cute little student when rowdy, less-cute ones were away.

But probably not.


	2. The Brightest Red Panties Ever Seen

**_A/N: I totally forgot to mention this, but throughout every chapter there are going to be hidden meme references, movie references, and references to other anime. I'll post up here how many there are per chapter and you, lovely readers, get try and see how many you can find. There was one in the prologue, but it was kind of vague. Also. I fell up the stairs at my university today. Everything I was carrying exploded in every direction and all of the people on the ground floor were staring at me. I kept hoping no one I knew saw it, and that hope was like a bright star, shinning and new! Until I checked Twitter and saw my BFF retweet this status made by some random person: "Just saw some girl face plant walking up the stairs. Day=made." Said person better have tight security because The Organization is coming after his ass. _**

* * *

**_Disclaimer: At this point in time, I wouldn't even WANT to own Naruto. And sadly, I don't own B Spears or song either._**

**_Summary:_**_Because she deserved the respect of her teammates, goddamnit. Even if she had to parade around in tiny red lingerie to get it. Female empowerment, the Konoha Kunoichi Association, and the story of how a pair of bright red lacy undies changed Konoha forever. "It means so much to me that whenever I need to go out, get trashed, and talk shit about people, you're always there for me."_

* * *

_Little Red Pantie Brigade_

Chapter One: The Brightest Red Panties Anyone Ever Did See

* * *

_Superstar_

_Where you from, how's it going?_

_I know you_

_Gotta clue, what you're doing?_

_You can play brand new to all the other chicks out here_

_But I know what you are, what you are, baby _

* * *

_Little Red Pantie Brigade_

Chapter One: The Brightest Red Panties Anyone Ever Did See

When Haruno Sakura showed up on Yamanaka Ino's door at 6:15 in the evening near tears, Ino knew there would be hell to pay.

After quickly ushering the poor girl in and settling her on the yellow floral couch with plenty of pillows and the fluffiest blanket she could find, Ino went to fetch the industrial sized package of cookie dough from her freezer. Calmly handing the pink haired girl the spoon, she began compiling her mental hit list.

"Girl talk. Now. What happened?"

Sakura sniffled.

"T-they broke my plant."

Ino blinked. Twice.

"What?"

"They killed my fern, Ino! They broke Mr. Uki! They took him and they _broke_ him into tiny dead _dried_ up little pieces and now I will never see Mr. Uki again! He was the one thing we were absolutely positive Kakashi couldn't kill, but the damned man can't even take care of a goddamned _plant_ and my teammates don't respect me anymore a-and-," here Sakura took a deep shuttering breath, burying her face in the tissues Ino had so kindly passed to her. "And the Hokage thinks I'm a push over, the Kazekage wants to know why I sent him nuddy-pics, the budget for the new hospital is a mess! And, oh god, Ino, I'm bleeding!"

For a moment said blond girl felt the rising of panic and began checking her distressed friend for wounds, but then Sakura continued.

"I am _bleeding_ out of my crotch because I have a _stupid_ uterus and Naruto and Sasuke and K-kakashi-sensie and even Sai have a p-penis! And it hurts _so much_, and I'm so bloated—Ino, I'm so bloated I had to do the pants dance this morning just to fit into my _shorts_—" At the word "shorts" Sakura burst into uncontrollable sobs while Ino stared on in horror.

What in God's name had those four nitwits done to her best friend?!

Taking immediate action (and Sakura into her arms) Ino began the process of consoling her friend. "_No, you're not fat! I promise! Sweetie, I would tell you if you were gaining a few! Yes, your teammates are irresponsible douchebags, of course you're better than them! I'm sure Tsunade won't be angry about the broken counter, okay? Yes, it is absolutely detrimental to the current state of peace in Konoha that you eat the entire container of cookie dough, if that's what you want._

After an hour or so later of incoherent blubbering, four boxes of tissues, and the rest of the cookie dough, Ino had managed to talk Sakura down from her hysterics and convinced her to clean her face in time to make it to the KKA meeting.

* * *

_Look at you_

_Gettin' more than just re-up_

_Baby, you_

_Got all the puppets with their strings up_

_Faking like a good one, but I call 'em like I see 'em_

_I know what you are, what you are, baby_

* * *

The Konoha Kunoichi Association had been created four years ago when a group of angry drunk women met in a bar and somehow managed to set an agenda despite being so wasted the couldn't remember the last movie Ryan Gossling was in. Thankfully they wrote everything down so that when they awoke, they realized the genius of a society for the downtrodden kunoichi of Konoha.

There were rules, of course, and requirements to be a member. The woman in question must in fact be _both_ a Kunoichi and from Konoha (although there was a sister chapter in Suna), she must be above the rank of Chuunin, above the age of fifteen, she must be dedicated to The Cause, willing to swear to silence or suffer the consequences, and most importantly, she must be an upstanding kunoichi (though "upstanding" was a relative term). Also, she needed to be able to pay the membership fee, but that was usually only mentioned after she signed the contract.

And in reality, there were really only four rules in the KKA: don't talk about the KKA, what happens within the KKA _stays _within the KKA, members of the KKA must be willing to be completely honest and open, and lastly, if members of the KKA have been messed with, there _will_ be retribution.

President Kurenia was just going over the available volunteer-lead classes for the month (How to Bake with Poison, Senbon Knitting, The Proper Application of Lust Powder) during one such meeting, when the resident Party Planner/Fundraiser Organizer and Ask Annie columnist burst through doors of the dark bar, knocking back a few surrounding chairs and possibly breaking the door in half.

One look at Haruno Sakura's face and the entire Konoha Kunoichi's Association burst into a flurry of activity. There was screaming, there was cooing, there were demands for names and addresses ("No, Anko, you can't kill them. Yet.")

Yanking the gavel from the hands of the Vice President, President Kurenia called the panicked room to order.

"Order, order! I said ORDER, YOU BITCHES."

Silense descended upon the KKA and Sakura, who had been assaulted by a mass of curious concerned women, buried her head in her arms to hide from all of the shrill outraged voices totally harshing the mild buzz she'd managed to establish before leaving Ino-pig's house.

In a motherly voice, President Kurenia leveled her red-eyed gaze at the poor girl. "Sakura, dear. What hell happened?"

Sakura, realizing that all eyes where on her, got ready to just—to just say it. Her breath hitched, her eyes moistened, her lips quivered in despair—

"Boys are _so_ stupid!"

And that as they say, is that.

The next four and a half hours were spent lamenting over shitty teammates and male chauvinism. Once the small stream of embarrassing stories and accusations started, there seemed to be no way of stopping it. The stream turned into a mighty river that surged into a frothing bay that led to a raging ocean of female displeasure and despair. For every drink she'd had, Sakura had heard at least three more stories of a fellow kunoichi suffering at the hands of her male peers and teammates followed by wails of rage from whoever happened to be listening. By the time she was on her second bottle of—something—she'd had enough.

Slamming her fist down on the bar top hard enough to startle several glasses and bottles of liquor, Sakura stood to face her suppressed fellow kunoichi.

"We must not allow this sort of behavior to continue. We need to fight back! We need to get back our respect! We need to take back our dignity!" By now Sakura was standing (swaying dangerously) on the bar, commanding the attention of the room.

"We are kunoichi of the leaf, and we must fight the power!"

There was a large roar of approval from the crowd, and then Sakura passed out.

* * *

_Boy, don't try to front_

_I know just what you are_

_Boy, don't try to front_

_I know just what you are_

_You say I'm crazy_

_I got your crazy_

_You're nothin' but a_

_Womanizer_

* * *

The next morning was not kind to the members of the KKA.

It was particularly brutal for Sakura.

By eight am she had given up on life.

By nine she had resorted to curling up on a spare hospital bed, vomiting into a bedpan. By nine-fifteen she had been certain it couldn't get any worse.

And then her teammates showed up.

Naruto gathered his courage and poked his miserable female teammate in the shoulder.

"Sakura-chan, are you okay? Did you go to your club-meeting-thing last night?"

She ignored him and attempted to will her body into a tiny, tiny ball. Preferably one without ears.

Sasuke grunted and looked down at her and her bedpan in disgust.

"We brought coffee."

Before he could react one small hand whipped out and snatched the warm Styrofoam cup from his hands only to disappear into the flimsy blanket covering the pathetic _thing_ that used to be his pink haired teammate.

"Maa, maa, Sakura-chan. Surly you don't love coffee more than you love us, right?"

Clearly Kakashi had no idea what the hell he was saying, because _that was blasphemy_. Coffee was to be worshipped! Coffee was to be loved! Coffee-

"Coffee doesn't ask silly questions. Coffee understands."

Kakashi blinked down at Sakura's tangled mop in confusion, thoroughly convinced that he would never understand women, especially _this_ crazy woman and her strange adoration for caffeine. He motioned the two boys out of the room and—thankfully—away from the horrid smell of stomach acid and French Vanilla.

"Come on boys, leave Sakura-chan to her…this. Whatever this is."

He was just thankful Sai wasn't home to ask uncomfortable questions just yet. He'd already had a good portion of his pay-check removed to cover the cost of a new counter top, and he shuddered to think what an entire hospital wing would cost him.

And then a thought struck him.

But no, that couldn't be right.

Sakura was only twenty-one, there was no _way..._

She couldn't possibly be going through menopause.

Could she?

* * *

_Lollipop_

_Must mistake me, you're a sucker_

_To think that I_

_Would be a victim not another_

_Say it, play it how you wanna_

_But no way I'm ever gonna fall for you, never you, baby_

* * *

Shopping made everything better. Almost like coffee, but nowhere near as awesome.

Four days after the debacle at the KKA meeting, Sakura went _shopping_. For underwear. Because her idiot teammates _ruined _all of hers in what the future generations of Konoha will know as the White Day Pantie Disaster of '83.

What might the White Day Pantie Disaster of '83 be, you ask? Why that was the day the _stupid _members of team 7 thought they'd play a cute little joke on their cute little Sakura-chan because cute little Sakura-chan had so cruelly crushed the hearts of her teammates with her lovely homemade Valentine Day chocolates that had the word "_obligation" _written on them.

One day cute little Sakura-chan woke up after several double shifts at the hospital to find the big, tall flag pole out side of her brand (new!) shiny hospital decorated with most of her underwear drawer.

On that day cute little Sakura-chan ripped said flagpole out of the ground and went to go find her thoughtful, thoughtful teammates to beat them with it, leaving a train of colorful undergarments behind her.

Sakura tried very hard not think about that day because she wanted to keep her teammates alive long enough to find her a new plant.

Also, she stole Sasuke's wallet so he was paying for her stuff and lunch with the girls.

Speaking of...

"Forehead-girl! Forehead-girl come here! You said you had Sasuke's money, right? Look at these, they're super cute!"

Ino held up a pair of neon fuchsia panties with black cheetah print across the side.

"They're also incredibly impractical, Pig. They don't even have a crotch!"

Ino raised eye brow suggestively.

"That's the point."

Sakura shot her bestest friend in the whole wide world a Look and migrated towards the larger Kunoichi portion of the store where Tenten was bending various different clothing articles in several different directions.

"You should really try these out, the elasticity seems to be pretty good and the fabric is way soft."

Sakura moved closer to the table to pick up a the bright green pair her friend had discarded.

_Ooohh, soft..._

But the sequins would probably just end up falling off and leaving a glittery trail to her hiding spot on a mission.

Inner Sakura huffed.

_You're such a Debby Downer._

_**I am not! I'm just...being realistic. **_

_You're a bore, is what you are. No wonder you never go on any dates. _

Sakura decided to lock Inner Sakura away after that and preoccupied herself with all of the pretty colors. She heard Ino squeal in the distance (_"Oh, Hinata! Is that for Naruto?!"_) and was about to give up completely when she saw It.

So red.

So sparkley.

So lacy and delicate and so, so useless in her field of work...

Except.

Except that she hadn't actually been on the field in over seven months. She had been running the (new!) hospital. So maybe...maybe it wouldn't be such a worthless buy after all.

_It's so pretty..._

Sakura stared on, transfixed.

"...you okay there, Sakura?"

"...mmm-hmm..."

Tenten sighed.

"Alright then. You know I heard about what happened at the Konoha Kunoichi Association meeting. You're absolutely right, we need take back what's ours. That's why I'm buying this pile of over priced, senseless lingerie. It makes me feel better, you know? Sexy, confident, like I could take on the world. _And_," She continued sending a sly wink the other girl's way. "It drives Neji to distraction. I aways knew men were weak for the female body, but I beat him _every_ time I wear this stuff. It's like hypnosis. He can't look away."

Sakura found herself suddenly zoned back in.

"Hey Tenten, you want to repeat that?"

"Yeah, I said cute undies make me feel good and Neji's a guy. Why?"

When there was no answer Tenten looked up from her perspective purchases to see Sakura nearly skipping off towards the lady at the counter.

"Excuse me ma'am, but can I have the pair on the mannequin? Thanks. Oh! And what about that rack over there..."

"What's up with her?"

Tenten glanced up at Ino, who seemed to have magically appeared out of the crowd of women hunting around the store.

She shrugged.

"I dunno. Where's Hinata? I saw a really pretty lavender neglige that we need to coerce her into buying."

* * *

_Maybe if we both lived in a different world_

_(Womanizer, Womanizer, Womanizer, Womanizer)_

_It would be all good, and maybe I could be your girl, _

_But I can't cause we don't_

* * *

Lunch had been fairly tame until Sakura pulled out one of the many boxes from her shopping bag.

"Forehead-girl I knew you were fast and loose with your bitch-fists of fury, but I never thought you wanted to share your delicates with the rest of the world-oh wait. Your teammates already did that. Tell me, does the store where you buy your granny panties sale Life-Alerts too?"

Sakura ignored her blond BFF. It was either that or show her what the meaning behind her bitch-fists of glory really was.

"What I have here are the answer to all of our problems. _This _is the key to winning back our respect."

The three girls blinked at bright red scrap of cloth hanging off of Sakura's fingers. And then...

"S-so pretty. W-here these in t-the store, Sakura-san?"

"Wow! Forehead-girl, I'm impressed. That's quite a pair of hot pants you've got there."

"Rhinestones _and _sequins? Wait, is that _sheer_ lace? Who exactly do you plan on wearing these for, Sakura?"

"No one."

"Huh?"

Sakura pursed her lips at the three blank stares she was receiving.

"These are for me. What you said really got me thinking, Tenten. Wearing this stuff _does _make you feel sexy and confident. It reminds that us we're _women_. We're clever, we're beautiful, and we can bring men down with a smile and a flick of our hair."

Understanding began to dawn on their faces.

"Ever since the war kunoichi have lost their collective sex appeal. We've been so concerned with being as good as the guys we've forgotten that we're not guys. We're different."

Sakura took a deep breath to steady herself before continuing.

"Ladies. We've lost sight of what being a kunoichi means. I think...I think we need start back at the basics."

Ino turned a sickly shade of green.

"You don't mean..."

"Kunoichi lessons. Starting tomorrow, after I propose a new agenda at the KKA meeting."

Hinata fainted in terror.

Inner Sakura cackled.

Those poor boys didn't have a _clue _what was heading their way.

* * *

_Womanizer, Woman, Womanizer  
_

_You're a Womanizer, oh Womanizer oh  
_

_You're a Womanizer, baby  
_

_You you you are, you you you are  
_

_Womanizer, Womanizer, Womanizer_

* * *

**_A/N: It begins. Next chapter we talk about the Lost Arts, Operation Take Back, and the poor shinobi men of Konoha are bitch slapped with the reality of the vag. I'm pretty sure there was only one reference in this chapter and it was to another anime/mange._**

**_Happy hunting,_**

**_-The Director_**


	3. KAK: The Kick Ass Kunoichi

**The Little Red Pantie Brigade**

_Summary: Because she deserved the respect of her teammates, goddamnit. Even if she had to parade around in tiny red lingerie to get it. Female empowerment, the Konoha Kunoichi Association, and the story of how a pair of bright red lacy undies changed Konoha forever. "It means so much to me that whenever I need to go out, get trashed, and talk bad about people, you're always there for me."_

Chapter Two:

KAK: The Kick Ass Kunoichi

* * *

What no one bothered to tell you when you were just an innocent, naïve academy student was that being a ninja involved a_lot _paperwork. Seriously. There was a form for _everything. _You want to start a relationship with your teammate? Form #49 Special Dispensation License for Inter-team Liaisons. You feel like a transfer in departments? Forms #67-83. Think you need a psych test? Forms A, B, and C _within _forms 14, 56, and 112. Every shinobi and team belonged to a department once they passed the Jounin Exam (Recon, I&T, Medics and Subdivisions of, Hunters, and Cleaning Crew, just to name a few).

No wonder getting anything done in this village took for fucking ever.

Sakura growled to herself in exasperation. She hadn't left her office in six—_six!_—hours. Her fingertips would probably be permanently stained black, her hand was tangled in the rat's nest that had become her hair, and her eyes had begun to sting and water slightly due to the sheer amount of intense focus she had been putting into getting through the massive piles of paperwork shoved every which way on her desk.

There wasn't _time_ for this; she had a hospital to run goddamnit!

Downing the rest of her coffee and mourning the sight of an empty mug, she (attempted) to untangle herself from her hair only to work her hand deeper into the mess. Instead she placed her brush in her mouth and reached for shelf behind her for her usual stash of bobby pins and hair ties. The pads of her fingers swept across the smooth surface without success.

Now frowning ferociously, Sakura stretched farther back in her chair, hooking her foot under the lip of her desk to keep herself from tipping to far over.

_Hell yes, ninja skills! I am the master of balance, the keeper of coordination. Gravity bows down before my greatness! Now where are those pins? I swear, no matter how many I buy, each one of those little bastards disappears—!_

And then gravity got tired of bowing and Sakura fell flat on her ass with a sharp _thud, _taking the entire contents of her desk with her.

* * *

_Question: Tell me what you think about me_

_I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings_

_Only ring your cell-y when I'm feelin' lonely_

_When it's all over please get up and leave_

* * *

Sasuke could not find his wallet.

And, more important than that, he wanted to know why _hell _he just received a $549 charge to _his_ name from _Velvet's Secret. _Who in God's name was _Velvet_? And why did her secret cost $549? Was it made off gold? Was Velvet a prostitute?

Irate and fully determined to have a long talk with the perpetrator about personal space (because really, how did she know his bank account number?) and his well-known penchant for Vengeance, Sasuke stalked his way to the hospital.

People dove out of his way in pure terror, ninja and civilian alike.

One look at his dark, unforgiving eyes smoldering with rage and an old women fainted. Men were shaking, small children were screaming, and general terror was being wrought upon the poor souls who dared laid eyes on the enraged Uchiha.

But not really.

Most people just pointed at him and whispered about how he seemed more broody than usual today. And Sasuke wasn't really enraged, just slightly annoyed.

Mostly he wanted to dig his teammate out of the dark depressing hole of hospital forms that she had no doubt buried herself under once again. Much to team 7's dismay, the pink haired girl had a knack for disappearing for days on end only to be found comatose under her desk surrounded by empty Styrofoam cups.

Maybe if he could get her to go to dinner and interact with the rest of the team, Sai and Naruto would become sufficiently distracted and stop stalking him.

(Something in a near by bush rustled. He told himself he didn't twitch. Twitching was below him).

Exiting the hospital elevator on a familiar floor, Sasuke was just about to turn the corner when he heard the distinct sound of several heavy objects hitting the floor and the universal sound of a bunch of other things breaking-followed by a very familiar, feminine yelp.

Prepared for the worst, Sasuke ran the rest of the way and burst through the door.

But the sight he walked in on still brought him up short.

The entire room was covered in what he assumed were previously neat stacks of papers, a few pieces still floating about in the air. One in particular landed on the head of his wayward team member sitting in the floor behind her over turned desk. Her hand seemed to be irrevocably caught in her soft pink locks, a brush was clenched between her teeth (and ink dripping on her blouse), and a shiny black hair pin was dangling in her mobile hand. Her entire person was splattered with the remains of her inkpot. Sasuke had to turn to the window to pull himself together.

"Shut up."

"I haven't even _said_ anything."

"You don't have to. The words are written all over your strong, muscly, _shaking_ shoulders."

"What?"

"Nothing. Are you going to help me up or not?"

He seemed to take a few seconds to think about it.

"Sasuke-kun!"

_Fine_.

He picked his way through the office, carefully stepping over the forms he recognized (at least he _knew_ those were important) and stomping carelessly over the ones he didn't. Ignoring the small hand she held out to him (also her barely contained gasp, because _what the hell, what did he think he was doing?_) Sasuke swooped down and grabbed her by the waist. God she was tiny. Was she supposed to be this tiny_? _

"Sasuke-kun."

Had she been eating?

"Sa-su-ke_-_kun_._"

Sleeping, even?

Stupid elders were probably over working her because she had the gall to demand a new facility in order to treat _their_ shinobi. Fools.

"Sasuke!"

"_What_?"

"Will you let go of me now?"

Oh. Well yeah, that was probably a good idea.

Releasing the smaller girl (who stumbled from the several inch drop-she was _not_ short, he was just very tall!) he took a very subtle, large step back.

Clearing his throat-he told himself it was his (non-existent) allergies-he delivered his message. "The team is meeting for ramen."

Sakura _hmm_'d. "That's cool."

He rolled his eyes. "You're coming."

"Why Sasuke-kun," she said drolly, "Thank you ever so much for inviting me along."

She heard him inhale deeply behind her. She could almost hear him praying for strength. It probably sounded a lot like "_God, please, if you have ever cared for me in the slightest of ways you will strike this girl down and make her stop being so annoyingly annoying? Why would you even make someone that annoying? And weak? Also, Vengeance." _

"Sakura. Stop being annoying."

Inner Sakura snorted. _So predictable. _

"Ugh, fine. Whatever. I'll go eat with you since you seem to want it so bad. Now get your ass down here and help me pick this up."

* * *

_Question: Tell me how you feel about this_

_Try to control me boy you get dismissed_

_Pay my own fun, oh and I pay my own bills_

_Always 50/50 in relationships_

* * *

Dinner was an uneventful affair. At least it would have been, had Naruto kept his mouth shut.

"So," Sasuke began, clearing away his spot at the ramen shop counter. He neatly stacked all of his plates and utensils before prompt shoving them in front Naruto, who sneered and shoved them back. Sasuke ignored him and turned back to Sakura, who seemed to be busy pretending they didn't exist. "Would you mind explaining the astronomical charge I got today for women's lingerie?"

Kakashi set down his porn, interest piqued by the words "Sakura" and "lingerie."

Naruto sputtered, almost killing himself by swallowing noodles down the wrong pipe.

Sai looked curious. "I am intrigued by the turn of events. I did not know you were having sexual relations with Hag."

"I-you-Sak-_what?!_" Naruto flung his arm at the broody boy beside him. "_What the hell did you do to Sakura-chan? _I will kill you teme! You'd better start-"

"Shut up." Sasuke said.

Sakura tried her very hardest to melt into the scenery. Heads were turned towards them as Naruto continued screeching. She did _not_ need another hit in her already tattered reputation, didn't anyone understand that she was to be _respected_? Kakashi apparently didn't because his eyes crinkled, and that was never a good sign for the pinkette.

"Sakura-chan," He said in that obnoxious sing-song voice he was so good at. "Care to explain yourself?"

**_No._**

"He ruined my underwear." She said petulantly. "I needed new ones."

Sasuke looked greatly offended. "I had nothing to do with it! It was Naruto!"

Uh-huh, a likely story. Sakura was not convinced.

Naruto grinned, comprehension dawning on his face. She sent a small prayer of thanks to the heaven's that at least _one _of her boys could add two plus two and get four.

"Sakura-chan if you were having money problems you should have said so!"

Wait, what?! **_No!_**

"I know you haven't been on a mission in a while, but that's okay! We'll just get Baa-chan to send you on some errands or something!"

Seriously? _**SERIOUSLY?!** _She was in charge of an entire hospital! She worked eighty-hour weeks! What they made in a month, _she earned in a week_!

"Don't worry about lunch today, Sakura-chan," Naruto patted her head. "Teme and I got it. Right, Bastard?"

"Hn."

Sasuke _agreed_ with him?! He was supposed to be the smart one!

"Naruto, you should know better than that."

Oh God, could it be? Dare she hope that Kakashi would defend her title as Head Medic and previous compatriot of ANBU?

"You don't _tell _a woman when you're paying for her dinner, you subtlety take the check so that when she talks about it later she'll be able to tell her friends you paid for it before she could do anything about. _That_ way she still thinks she's an independent woman. Independence is very important to kunoichi these days."

Wha-_no one_ on earth would ever think that!

"Are you fucking _kidding_ me?!"

Sakura slammed more than enough money down on the counter and stomped off, slamming the door behind her. She needed to find Ino. Now.

Meanwhile, Sai studied the cracks Hag had left behind in the door way.

"Is Hag menstruating?"

Naruto clapped the other boy on the back. "No, I think that was last week. You're getting better at sensing the angry though."

* * *

_All the women who are independent_

_Throw your hands up at me_

_All the honeys who makin' money_

_Throw your hands up at me_

_All the mommas who profit dollas_

_Throw your hands up at me_

_All the ladies who truly feel me_

_Throw your hands up at me_

* * *

Karin was bored.

She'd been offered a place in the KKA several months ago and had accepted, fully expecting to embrace her Feminen Wiles and to talk about her many amazing conquests.

That had not happened.

Instead it felt like she'd walked into a very strange mix of AA and constant PMS. She'd heard so much about Konoha Kunoichi before the war and she was sorely disappointed when faced the reality: the KKA was really just a group of "suppressed" and over-emotional women. She snorted to herself. If they thought _they_ were having a hard time, they should see what it's like in Sound. _That_ place was hell on earth. Also the health benefits were complete shit. If you were injured you either went to the "hospital" and walked out with more appendages than you began with or you went home and prayed it wasn't anything a bandaid couldn't fix. Most chose to risk it and treat themselves at home than become one of Kabuto's experiments.

"Now ladies, if I could please have your attention Haruno and Yamanaka would like to present their-er-_plan _for Kunoichi development." Kurneia gestured to the screen that someone must have dug out from one of the supply closets and the banged up projector sitting on the bar.

Karin rejoined the living world, intrigued.

Ino walked confidentially in front of the crowd, taking her place besides Sakura behind the President's pedestal.

"Hello, all. If you would direct your attention towards us, forehead girl and I will begin."

Sakura, a little less confidently, cleared her throat.

"If you remember-although, uh, maybe not, now that I think about it-at last week's meeting we briefly discussed the problem we Kunoichi are currently facing: our male peers do not respect us. My own teammates, specifically, repeatedly attempt to ruin my reputation beyond repair. I know that I am not the only one. All of us have faced discrimination at one point or another for our sex. We've been underestimated, we've been ridiculed, we've been told that we are not _good enough_.

I don't know how we got this way.

I don't know when or how we allowed those-those _men_ to lower us in the world's opinion. In our own.

When did we become so pathetic? When did we decide to just bend over and take it like little girls?

Where are the women I used to look up to? Where are the Kunoichi every young girl used to dream of becoming?

What happened to us?

We used to make men bow before us, crawl on their hands and _knees_ begging to touch us. We used to mean something, be somebody. Kunoichi used to be admired for their beauty and sexuality, and feared for their skill. Instead all I see are a bunch of women in baggy pants and sweatshirts trying to be something they're not. We let them do this to us.

Not anymore. Never again. We're taking back our rightful place as the proud Konoha Kunoichi we once were.

May I present to you Operation: Panties."

The words Operation: Panties flashed up on the screen in big red block letters.

Sakura gestured for Ino to take the lead.

"It has come to our attention that what has greatly contributed to our failing as Kunoichi is the lack utter lack of confidence we seem to have. Without confidence, there is no sex appeal. If there is no sex appeal, then there is already a major flaw. Seduction is a key element—perhaps even the most important—to being a Kunoichi. For far too long we have been groveling for approval when the only one we need approval from is ourselves.

"However, before I continue, if you do not want to be apart of this you need to leave now. Honestly, you probably shouldn't even really be here in the first place. You will be required to take a vow of silence, approved by the Hokage, and officiated by our very own Anko."

A shudder went through the room at large. The memory of Genma, the word "PUSSY" scrawled across his forehead and a pair of cat ears was still fresh in everyone's memory. No one wanted to break anything with Anko. Ever.

When nobody got up to leave Ino took that as her cue to go on.

"Then I herby order this room to complete and utter secrecy in regards to the KKA, KKA meetings, and anything even remotely pertaining to anything that has been or will be discussed. The room has been secured and you will all need to sign your avowal—which is far longer and much more in-depth—on your way out.

"Continuing on.

"The goal of Operation: Panties is pretty easy. We're going to tease them. We're going to make them want us. And in no way, shape, or form are we going to follow through. As of now, every single one of us is going celibate. Our mission is drive those assholes up the wall. I want them pent up, stopped up, and as frustrated as physically possible. This is critical, this is how make them lose their minds. Everywhere they look, there we'll be. Irresistible, tantalizing, enticing, and 100% off limits.

"And we _will_ know if you break the code of conduct, further explored in your KAK packet.

"Our first step as renewed Kunoichi is actually fairly simple. The KKA has now officially been renamed the KAK: Kunoichi's Association of Konoha. The Vice Preisdent and I had t-shirts made, and you can grab one on your way out after signing your contract.

"The Second Step is also fairly easy and mandatory. Each one of you must buy a set of lingerie-preferably red. I don't care what it looks like or where you get it from, as long as you feel unstoppable and damn good when you wear it. Cute underwear has the capacity to turn an awkward girl into a total fox. It gives her confidence; it makes her smile like she's got a secret. And men are stupid for sexy, mysterious women. You'll feel better for having it on. And more importantly if they happen to see it, it will drive men insane. Especially during training."

"Speaking of," Sakura cut in. "Your first mission for Operation: Panties is easy, but painful. Everyone must once again to take beginner classes at the Academy."

Ino rolled her eyes at the loud groans coming from the crowd. "That's right girls, vag up and put your big girl panties on. It's back to the basics."

"And I have contacted three dance studio's who are more than willing to help us out. Not to mention Ino and I have managed to convince local…_professionals_ to lend us a hand three to four nights a week in the Lost Arts. Starting tomorrow we will have class in the Academy from eight to two for one week straight, no slacking. I have spoken to Shishou who has agreed to ground all Kunoichi in the village for at least two weeks. After that she'll try to use us sparingly while we get ourselves ready for the reintroduction of seduction missions, for those of us who are interested in making a little extra money.

"That also means that all shinobi will be picking up the slack. Prepare yourselves for two glorious testosterone free weeks."

"So sign up for those classes and be prepared to work your tight little asses off! It's not going to be easy, but I better see you all in class tomorrow, starting at eight AM! This is real shit, bitches, we don't have time for dicking around. Please grab a schedule for the next week on your way out, and we'll see every single one of you in the morning."

President called the meeting to an end and the excited murmurs of KAK rose in volume as they all filed out of the door.

Ino collapsed next to Sakura, exhausted.

"This is going to be brutal."

Sakura hummed in agreement.

"You really need to take a day off from work, forehead girl. Your hair is looking dull and you have hideous bags under you eyes."

She didn't even bother to reply. She decided that maybe she'd take nap when she got home.

"And you are so quite all of the time."

Sakura cracked an eye open.

"Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one ever plans a murder out loud."

Ino stared.

"No wonder your teammates worry about you. If you ever need a slightly distracted, unsympathetic friend, I'm here for you."

Sakura ignored her and gazed morosely down at her own lap.

"Sometimes I look forward to going to bed at night because I know I get coffee in the morning."

Karin chose that very moment to interrupt whatever weird silence had descended on her best bitches.

"I feel a spree coming on. It's either a shopping one or a killing one, your choice."

Ino and Sakura glanced at each other.

"Can we at least get a drink first?"

Karin consented to that because who the hell ever turned down alcohol?

As they walked along the street, now bathed in the soft glow of twilight, Ino thought about what a pain in the ass tomorrow morning was going to be and wondered how she wasn't fat from empty calories, because she definitely planned on establishing a nice buzz before spending all of her hard earned money.

Frowning, she led them to their favorite bar and grill.

"Too bad bitching doesn't burn any calories."

* * *

_The shoes on my feet_

_I've bought it_

_The clothes I'm wearing_

_I've bought it_

_The rock I'm rockin'_

_'Cause I depend on me_

* * *

Far too many credit card transactions later Sakura passed out on her couch. Ino and Karin had managed to convince her to buy several new work outfits, training outfits, and party dresses. Granted, it was all in the name of Feminism but she could only handle so much. That is not to say that she regretted it, because she sorely needed a new wardrobe and she was secretly excited to break out her new clothes.

For now she was satisfied with splaying her various body parts on her couch surrounded by her many shopping bags.

She'd put it up tomorrow. After all, Tsunade had given her the entire week off to focus on her new mission: rebuilding the Hokage's Kunoichi.

Sakura fell asleep dreaming of pretty pumps and pencil skirts.

The next morning she woke up before the sun had risen not quite in the same place she had left herself in. Someone had carried her to bed and piled all of her bags in a corner. That same someone was also down stairs making her Coconut Macaroon coffee, if her nose was right. Sufficiently motivated, Sakura hobbled her way to the kitchen.

Low and behold she was presented with the back of a familiar black head.

She made past him without comment, intent on the steaming mug sitting on the counter. By her third sip the pounding in her head had lessened. By her second cup she was prepared to face other living entities.

"So what brings you to my humble abode this early in the morning? You aren't broken, are you?"

"No," He joined her at the counter. "I am not "broken," though I appreciate that you asked. I overheard from some women at the ramen stand talking about you and your friends drunkenly parading yourselves through town. I thought that I would make sure you are in proper working order before sending you off to sew other's limbs back on their bodies."

"How kind of you."

"I certainly thought so," he said setting down two plates of eggs and toast.

"I'm sure you did. I'm actually off hospital duty this week. The Hokage has me working on something else for a while, but I'll be in village. Just don't expect to see me around a lot."

He looked slightly curious but didn't ask. "Then why are you awake at this hour?"

"You mean besides the fact that someone was banging around in my kitchen at five-thirty in the morning? My mission begins at eight."

"Ah. Then I will leave you be. I will let the team know you will not be available. And I do not "bang around'."

"Wha-did they send you to look after me?!"

"No, I was simply concerned."

"Oh."

As he began to gather his things Sakura leaned over her chair and messed with his hair in farewell.

"Thanks Sia. I'll see you soon, okay?"

The boy left without another word and Sakura cleaned up their dishes before heading for a long shower.

Today was undoubtedly going to be a long day.

* * *

_Tell me how you feel about this_

_Who would I want if I would wanna live_

_I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I get_

_Ladies, it ain't easy bein' independent_

* * *

"Long" was an understatement.

The day had dragged on like a Queen in Mardi Gras.

Between learning the Bend and Snap from the professionals, a hip-hop class, The History of the Stiletto (the knife, not the heel), and The Importance of The Inconspicuous Placing of Weapons, Sakura felt ready to drop.

She had no idea her little plan would go this far.

At first it had just been all of the built up frustration that made her want what, she realized now, was petty revenge. She just wanted to see them get a taste of their own medicine for once, and maybe get a little shock value from the resident Uchiha.

Little did she know.

How could she have missed what was really going on in her own village? To her own comrades? Sakura had been immersed within her paperwork and hospital reform for so long, she didn't know how to live outside of her exam rooms. What had begun as a drunken, childish tantrum held meaning to her now. She couldn't help but imagine her younger self every time a fellow Kunoichi would mention feeling under estimated and left behind.

Sakura would not lie to herself, either. She knew that the twelve year old girl inside of her who'd been left behind by her teammates was crying for retribution. Team 7 never spoke of it (because she never brought it up), but sometimes the jokes about her day job hit too close to home. She was strong, and she truly believed that, but a shared glance between Naruto and Sasuke said a million words she would never be privy to. It was hard listening to Naruto tell a funny story when he would collapse from laughter in the middle of a sentence, prompting amused chuckles from Kakashi, twinkling eyes from Sai, and a telling smirk from Sasuke, because she would never get to figure out why Sai being stranded in enemy territory with only a bucket for protection was so damn hilarious.

It hurt.

Sometimes she regretted taking on as much as she did with the hospital. When she watches their fading backs walk away from the village gates, she wonders if it was worth the sacrifice to be presented with their backs once again.

Those are the days she purposely picks fights with the Elders, just so she'll have enough work so she won't have to go home to a dusty, empty house.

Raising her head from her pillow, Sakura stared at the shopping bags.

Sexy underwear had been a good idea. Those red panties symbolized elegance, seduction, and power. They symbolized change and gave her hope.

One thing was for sure.

Sasuke was definitely going to find her more annoying than usual when the team got back.

Either way, the reformed KAK would make a nice scapegoat when she started testing the waters with her teammates. At the ripe old age of twenty-one, Sakura had been on the grand total of six dates.

Yes, you read that correctly. Six, two of which were with the same man (an insanely attractive ANBU operative.

And only two of those four ended with something more than a peck on the cheek-one a very pleasant pressing of mouths, and the other a very disappointing make-out session on her doorstep. She would be the first to admit that her love life was well on it's way to 40 Year Old Virgin Cat Lady.

She just hadn't had the time...or if she were being really honest, the inclination. After the war came a two year tour with ANBU that involved six months of captaincy, and then a short apprenticeship in T&I with Ibiki as a requirement for her promotion at the hospital, and then the actual promotion itself (and subsequent overhaul). _  
_

Sakura would grudgingly concede that maybe Fathers 1-3 and her incredible misfortune with male teammates may also have had something to do with it. She wasn't necessarily religious, but sex almost always made things more complicated and someone usually ended up with hurt feelings. It didn't take a genius to figure out that she would probably end up being the one hurt. She got attached easily, and when she got attached everything had meaning. Sakura had a big heart, but that didn't mean she hadn't learned to be careful after all of these years.

So obviously that meant she needed to replace the small empty hollow in heart that most definitely Did Not Exist with work, alcohol, and shopping.

Oh, and friends. Sometimes. When they weren't being bitchy.

Speaking of, when the hell had Hinata learned to dance? You'd think with the huge boobs it'd be counter productive what with gravity and all...

That was Sakura's last thought before drifting off.

* * *

**_A/N: I hate beginnings. Hate them. After this, hopefully things will sail a little more smoothly (ha! One can dream). Before I get shit for Sakura being a twenty-one year old virgin who is a reasonably attractive woman, here are some fun facts: I am five months away from twenty and I have never been on a date. The one time I was kissed we were drunk, it was someone I had known for several years, and even tipsy I still knew enough to punch him in face and off of the couch. _**

**_Now, I have been asked enough to know that I am not necessarily _un_attractive, so don't go there. Out of my two BFF's, one has been on a date. It was freshman year. It did not go well. And I am unbiased enough to say that one of them is pretty enough, the other one has a killer body. Common denominator: daddy issues. Translation: commitment issues. Like you wouldn't believe. Which will be something touched upon more in depth later. However that is not to say that you need to be fucked up to be a virgin pass the age of 16. Seriously. It DOES happen when someone wants to WAIT for the right PERSON, and that may take years._**

**_GET OVER IT. _**

_**I don't know why it's so hard to believe. **_

_**Anyway, done with ranting now. ONWARD, MY MIGHTY STEED. TO THE NEXT CHAPTER WE RIDE!**_


End file.
